Turning big into small

How tiny can such a gigantic creature be seen from a far? And how we can imagine touching it and turn it to be whatever that we wanted it to be, just because we have the privilege in controlling what we want to think about?

It’s the same with what people are saying about you. How you’re doing now after all the hardships that only you know you’ve been through, how you look so little compared to other people, how people just blurt out nonsense when they knew nothing about you...

You can change this. Whatever the hell people say about you, at the end of the day, only you know everything about you.

People say nasty things because they have no idea what’s going on in other people’s minds, and what they’ve been through. If you’re in the same place, doing the same thing, everyone will have the thought that you’re all the same. 

It’s not actually a big deal, but when it kind of hurts your pride because all the things you’ve done to get to where you’re right now seem worthless, then something needs to be fixed.

We should learn on how to respect each other, speak without hurting each other, only then we can live in peace.

Yes people who have no idea how bad it is to be talk of other people and the feelings of thinking you’re somewhat a loser for not being able to become what you should have became in the first place after all that you’ve been going through, will definitely say “it’s not a big deal, cheer up”, or “don’t think about, they’re just saying things they didn’t know of” or something similar...because they’ve never been in other people’s bad shoes. They’re just walking and standing, wearing their new shoes day by day, without thinking about how exactly the ones who’re always have to wear the same old shoes all over again because they knew how hard it it to keep up with the mean world.

Turning bad things into positive thinking is not easy. But why do bad things happen in the first place?

Covid sucks

I have a lot on my mind right now. 

Maybe this covid thingy has taken a toll on me. 

I am stressed out. I hate going to work, but I hate doing nothing at home as well. I feel like I am no longer happy as how I used to be. 

Everything seems boring to me. 

Can you imagine this feeling? Where you constantly crave for attention, but kind of hate it when people give you attention? I know it sounds complicated but that’s just how I constantly  feel at the moment. I mean, I do not hate all of the attention, I hate some of it. I only want to talk to some people, and when other people (whom I am not really fond of at the moment) wants to start conversation with me, I feel annoyed. 

I want this to be over as soon as possible. I want to go out without thinking about the virus that might hit me if i am not being cautious. Well, even if I am being 100% cautious, it can still infect me if Allah has planned it. But being infected, knowing that you’ve been cautious and taking prevention measures are better than doing nothing. 

Even if I do not go out that often before, but still, knowing that the virus is still around is such a bummer. I want to go out and meet my friends whenever I want to. I want to go back to my hometown every month. I want to spend my weekend watching movie at the cinema. I want to go out without wearing a mask. I want to travel. I want to enjoy my life.

I am complaining, only because I feel so stressed out at the moment. Some might see me like my usual self, but deep down, I am not.

I feel lonely, eventhough I have my family.

I feel lonely, eventhough I have friends at work that I can talk to as we see each other almost everyday.

I feel lonely, eventhough I have my other friends that I can always call and talk about my problems.

I feel lonely, watching other people living their lives happily.

Can this broken heart be fixed?

I pray everyday. I read the Quran.

But why do I still feel lonely?