Endlessly Part 3

"I want to die..."

"Hey. Don't say thing that you don't actually mean."

"I meant, everything that comes out of this mouth."

"......."

"Hey say something."

"You're serious about this?"

"Yes, kill me."

"No second thought?"

"No. Just kill me already. I'm defenseless now."

"Hmm, if you say so."

*tap tap*

"Incoming in 3,2,1.......you're dead."

"Congratulations on winning this time."

"Well, thank you."

"Wait, let me rephrase it again. Congratulations on winning because I let you win."

"Hahahaha yes. I...thank....you...."

"Hmph!"

"Next time, don't give up so easily. I noticed you can move your Queen earlier but you didn't ask me to move it."

"You should have told me!"

"Hey, this is a competition, remember.."

"But I did let you win, remember."

"Hahaha even before I already won the game."

"K."

"Awhh are you sulking?"

"I am not!"

"You are!"

"Ghost don't have feelings."

"Ghosts were all humans before. You were human."

"I know. But I'm not even alive right now."

"Doesn't matter. You look alive to me."

"I wish I could have touch the pieces with my own hand."

"You will. No worries."

"Wait what?"

"I've already found the right body for you."

"But.."

"No. I've decided. You want to play the chess with me again and touch the pieces with you hand, right?"

"I do, but..."

"No but. When it's full moon, get ready."

"What should I do?"

"Just....get ready to be real human again."

"O...kay...."

"And...."

"And?"

"Get used to your new face."

"Can't wait for it."

Endlessly part 2

"What's that one thing...that..."

"That.....? What? Finish your sentence!"

"You're so impatient!" Hahaha

"Okay I'll wait this time. You can take your time."

"Nothing..actually. I just wanted to ask you this one thing..."

"Which is...?"

"What's that one thing that you really wish you had, but it just seem so...impossible?"

"Aha I got one."

"Wait what?! You didn't even think!"

"I don't have to think twice for this one. And I bet you know what's my answer is."

"I'm not a mind reader. Tell me."

"Let me give you a hint."

"Okay... what is it?"

"It starts with a M and a F...."

"Motherfu.."

"Hey mind your language! That's not what it is!"

"Sorry, sorry. Alright madame. You shall continue."

"Okay... M and F. But M and F can also be M and P."

"What are you talking about?! This is far from a hint! I need a clear hint."

"It is! I know you're not that smart but at least use your brain once in a while."

"Hmmm what starts with F and M....After that? Another hint pleaseee?"

"After M and F, there's either D or S"

"M...F...D...S..."

"Got it?"

"Hmmmm nope."

"Think harder."

"Hmmmmm....oh"

"Oh?"

"Is it...a family?"

"Aha you got it right! Congratulations on proving you're not dumb."

"But listen...I am your family. You are my family."

"I know you guys treated me like your real family. But I just can't help thinking who my real parents are. How they were before. What kind of music they listen to. What books would they read me before bed. Also...my other siblings..."

"Hey...."

"Yes?"

"Do you realize that....you're crying right now?"

"Huh I am? Sorry."

"No...I'm the one who's sorry...For bringing that question up."

"No, I'm the broken one."

"You're not."

"I am...Look at me."

"What? You look normal to me."

"If I look normal, why would the kids at school look at me as if I'm crazy?"

"Hey.."

"If I look normal, why would the kids at school called me delusional."

"Hey..."

"If I am normal...why am I locked up in this room..having to eat pills everyday?"

"Hey it's not you. It's me..."

"What?"

"It's not you who can't let me go. I'm the one who can't let you go."

"Why would I let go of you?"

"Because....."

"No stop I don't want to hear it."

"Mom and dad are waiting for me. But I don't want to let you here alone."

"So stay with me. I don't have anyone."

"But...mom is calling me. She said not to torture you anymore."

"NO."

"Maybe it's time."

"NO."

"The dead one should be dead."

"NO."

"Goodbye. Hope you can live a healthy live."

"NO."

"Mom says we're always with you no matter what."

"NO."

"And the accident isn't your fault."

========================================

"Okay, you can wake the patient up now."

Turning big into small

How tiny can such a gigantic creature be seen from a far? And how we can imagine touching it and turn it to be whatever that we wanted it to be, just because we have the privilege in controlling what we want to think about?

It’s the same with what people are saying about you. How you’re doing now after all the hardships that only you know you’ve been through, how you look so little compared to other people, how people just blurt out nonsense when they knew nothing about you...

You can change this. Whatever the hell people say about you, at the end of the day, only you know everything about you.

People say nasty things because they have no idea what’s going on in other people’s minds, and what they’ve been through. If you’re in the same place, doing the same thing, everyone will have the thought that you’re all the same. 

It’s not actually a big deal, but when it kind of hurts your pride because all the things you’ve done to get to where you’re right now seem worthless, then something needs to be fixed.

We should learn on how to respect each other, speak without hurting each other, only then we can live in peace.

Yes people who have no idea how bad it is to be talk of other people and the feelings of thinking you’re somewhat a loser for not being able to become what you should have became in the first place after all that you’ve been going through, will definitely say “it’s not a big deal, cheer up”, or “don’t think about, they’re just saying things they didn’t know of” or something similar...because they’ve never been in other people’s bad shoes. They’re just walking and standing, wearing their new shoes day by day, without thinking about how exactly the ones who’re always have to wear the same old shoes all over again because they knew how hard it it to keep up with the mean world.

Turning bad things into positive thinking is not easy. But why do bad things happen in the first place?

Covid sucks

I have a lot on my mind right now. 

Maybe this covid thingy has taken a toll on me. 

I am stressed out. I hate going to work, but I hate doing nothing at home as well. I feel like I am no longer happy as how I used to be. 

Everything seems boring to me. 

Can you imagine this feeling? Where you constantly crave for attention, but kind of hate it when people give you attention? I know it sounds complicated but that’s just how I constantly  feel at the moment. I mean, I do not hate all of the attention, I hate some of it. I only want to talk to some people, and when other people (whom I am not really fond of at the moment) wants to start conversation with me, I feel annoyed. 

I want this to be over as soon as possible. I want to go out without thinking about the virus that might hit me if i am not being cautious. Well, even if I am being 100% cautious, it can still infect me if Allah has planned it. But being infected, knowing that you’ve been cautious and taking prevention measures are better than doing nothing. 

Even if I do not go out that often before, but still, knowing that the virus is still around is such a bummer. I want to go out and meet my friends whenever I want to. I want to go back to my hometown every month. I want to spend my weekend watching movie at the cinema. I want to go out without wearing a mask. I want to travel. I want to enjoy my life.

I am complaining, only because I feel so stressed out at the moment. Some might see me like my usual self, but deep down, I am not.

I feel lonely, eventhough I have my family.

I feel lonely, eventhough I have friends at work that I can talk to as we see each other almost everyday.

I feel lonely, eventhough I have my other friends that I can always call and talk about my problems.

I feel lonely, watching other people living their lives happily.

Can this broken heart be fixed?

I pray everyday. I read the Quran.

But why do I still feel lonely?

Siapa makan cili, dia yang terasa pedasnya

You, who keeps on talking harshly to other people without thinking just because you think that’s your personality from the start.

You, who keeps on saying that people should just keep up until they can match your harsh joke pace.

You, who keeps on believing that you’re living your life without disturbing others.

You, who keeps on acting like a victim, while you’re the one who’s always picking on other people just because they look weak and are being kind to you.

Just keep this in mind.

You don’t deserve the kind treatments at all. 

Just because other people are kind to you, it doesn’t mean that you can treat them just the way you like it. 

When you’re in need of help, you come running, crying with that ugly face of yours, and leave when you’re done using them for your own sake.

Relationships work both ways.

Between family members.

Between friends.

Between colleagues.

If you think people should just try to keep up with your pace without you even trying to understand their pace, then you are absolutely wrong.

You’re not that special.

People are just kind. 

And you keep on being a trash.

Entangled

Untangling the thread

Not knowing that trying to fix the mess

Would only entangled the thread more

But is it worth struggling for?

Untangling the thread

Not knowing the colour is red

A mess that turns into beautiful problem

Would there be a happy ending for them?

Not knowing where to start

Mind full of yes but ended up saying no

Wishing upon a star

Can the thread let them know?

Wishing to be bold

But afraid to let the other one knows 

Would the thread pull them closer

Or would it break in the middle?

All Lives Matter

I’m a Muslim.

And I support the Black Lives Matter. I may have not protest on the street like any other people, but I do care about the things that are happening right now.

Why? Because every single things on this Earth matter.

All lives matter actually, but the ones that are being oppressed and abused just because they are different need more attention than the ones who have the ‘privilege’ and are using it the wrong way. 

It’s sad to hear stories and watch videos of how black people died because of misunderstandings that just don’t make sense and full of shitty excuses from the ones who should be blamed for. They may have bad history lonnnnng ago but hey, it’s 2020 now. Things changed. Yes there might be bad and good people in ALL races and religions but to put the blame in one race just because of a mistake on one person is just wrong.

It’s also good to see good white people supporting black people to inform the world that there are still many good people left among the mixed crowd. Even when one white people are condemning the black lives and showing so much hatred, ten more good people will come. It’s just the bad always get the highlights more than the good ones. It’s a really good story to listen to, to watch to, as it brings unity once again right at the moment we feel like there’s no hope anymore.

The same goes with the Muslim lives. There are actually lots of people who have no problem with Muslim, even when others are always calling Muslims ‘terrorists’ just because someone made a film claiming all Muslims are part of the act and the religion itself is abusive.

Why? Just because some women has chose the path to wear niqab and cover their bodies fully. Why would the religion be abusive when it’s the women’s own choices. Yes, in Islam, we were told to cover ourselves correctly and properly in order to be good Muslims. But we’re not saints. We still make mistakes but to be ignorant is not a good thing. When you do sin, don’t blame it on the religion.  Put the blame on yourself.

All lives matter. It’s just whether you’re getting all the spotlights or you’re working behind the stage, trying to choose the right spotlight for the main character. Black people has been oppressed long ago. The death of George Floyd is just one of the highlights that showed how the black lives are not being taken seriously by the privileged ones. The video is just so saddening. I can’t bear to watch it twice. 

Muslim lives are the same. Those countries that has been bombed by irresponsible bad selfish people should get the highlights that they deserve. This need to stop. Just carry on with your own lives, in your own country without disturbing others.

Can’t people just treat other people like how they wanted to be treated? All lives matter. But if you’re a selfish irresponsible person, then you’re not worth fighting for. Other people matter more than you do. 

Closing and opening

There’s more behind a closed door. There’s even more inside a room without a door.

Sometimes, the world which you think is hidden, is the one that is more exposed to everything that you’re trying hard to hide.

Humans will never be satisfied. Everything seems less and getting less than everyone will be the death of a greedy human.

Life is like an infinity of unfinished riddles. The more you try to solve it, more problem would arise. Some may be good for you and some may not. You might think that life is unfair sometimes, but whatever reasons you’re trying to defend yourself with, always try your very hard to believe that everything happens for a reason. Allah is the greatest planner after all right?

It may be hard to keep trying hard and failed everytime, but if you look at a different angle, you might find the answer that you’ve been searching for. Whatever obstacles you’ve come to stumble on to, always believe that Allah doesn’t put you in a situation which you can’t handle.

You might think that you’re weak and can’t handle all the shit that have been thrown at you, but if Allah believes in you, then you should as well. Your rewards might have been waiting for you in the other world, not here, which doesn’t last forever. You’re strong, you’re beautiful, you’re brave.

It’s bothering me....

Those who only see money as their source of happiness,

Those who only see ranks as their source of being safe,

Those who only see wealth as their only source of being able to live happily, to live in peace and to live without having to work hard to earn money...

Let’s be realistic here, yes money can be the source to happiness. Those who disagree, are quite a liar. When you have money, you can be happy because you won’t have any hard time to buy something. You don’t need to sit on a dirty floor, with a tiny basket in front of you, begging for money. You don’t have to argue with your partners about spending too much money that will eventually lead to a big fight and maybe a divorce. Happiness? No more.

If I need to be realistic here, money can be a source to happiness, if you’re using it wisely, if you’re using it not to show off, if you’re using it for yourself because that’s the gift of your hard work. Thus, the sentence ‘money can’t buy you happiness’ is not really valid if you turn it the wrong way like I do. If you have money and live your live in peace without disturbing others, you’re buying yourself your own happiness. Good for you. 

What’s not good is...when people hold that sentence as their life motto and disregard others who happen not to have that much money compared to theirs. 

I just want to live my life happily with the ones I love. My salary may not be as much as those with those “great-god-job” that people have been looking up for, but I’m happy. 

People can be so mean sometimes. When I said I work as a video editor, they always have these skeptical look on their faces. Like “how much do you earn?” “Everyone can do that” “lol my son is a doctor and he made much more than you”

Luck may not be on my side yet, but I believe I can be more than what I am today. Nonetheless, I’m grateful for what I am today. Ini semua rezeki masing - masing. People who’re close to me might be ashamed of me or not proud enough of me, which is sad actually if you ask me, but please, stop comparing me with those with golden luck on their sides. It’s annoying. 

Let me walk in my path with my own pace. If you want me to go faster, start supporting me by giving me compliments on how well I do things and help pushing me, don’t just drag me and start telling me nasty story that a friend of my age is getting more than me. Comparing and not beings treated nicely can lead to other things.

Doctor, engineer or any high ranked job that our people are only look up to, are not the only job in this world. All jobs are supposed to serve what they’re supposed to. Without anyone to edit the videos, there would be nothing for you to watch. Without janitors, there would be no one who can keep the places clean. All jobs have their own purposes. So please stop looking at those jobs that aren’t on your god-list job as some low and dirty job. You’re not that great either. 

Lol I’m not going to read this back. I just write what my mind tell me at this right moment. Phew 

Heart the size of you

If I could break my heart to pieces
And scatter them at every corner
The world would be filled with memories
Of me, loving you to bits

I have a heart the size of you
That could only fit the beautiful you
There would be no vacancy in my heart
Even if someone else is offering me a good card

I have a heart the size of you
That is made only to love you
The moment I knew that dreams do come true
I cannot help but to always be grateful

If I could break my heart to pieces
And let them be played like puzzles
I bet even kids can solve the question
Because the answer is just too obvious

It would always be you

fly higher (reposting my insta post #2)

We were told to jump and flaps our wings as much as we wanted to.

Eventhough the time where we jumped and landed are different, our goals are the same : To be successful in everything that we do.

It does not matter if you failed many times and almost give up. What really matter is how strong you are for not giving up to your weak self. When we are weak, everything does not feel right. It seems like the world is turning its back on you, out casting you. Letting you sleep in your own tears.

But if you turn and see your failures in different angles, you will eventually find that your failures are actually the way you are learning things. You failed, you try again but never did the same mistakes. 

Some might have landed perfectly on their own platforms and some might just learning to fly. Never judge anyone. Try hard. Your effort shows how you wanted to land. To land perfectly or to crash while flying.

Appreciate (reposting my insta post)

It’s not about how good of a photographer you are when taking pictures with your friends but how good you are in keeping the memories safe in your mind. So that no matter how old the memories are, you can still remember every tiny details in them and telling people those stories like they happened just a minute ago.

Some people enter your life unexpectedly without you asking for them, some because you asked them to and some might enter because it’s just meant to be.

No matter what the reasons are, just appreciate everyone and never take them for granted. And try not to do things that will make you regret later on.

Because you never know when they will leave you and when will you do so. Until that day came, just live your life happily.

trying

what if the thing that you love the most caused you so much pain?

you love something, but at the same time, that thing hurts you in a way that you could or could not explain.

what would you do?

would you try to stay strong and see how much longer you could bear the pain and finally give in to your hopeless self?

or would you give up in the first place and just laugh your ass off if things turn out to be okay after all? laughing at yourself that have zero point in trying and be brave just for a while?

or would you try your best to keep loving the thing you love and fight. and smile when things do not go the way you wanted because you know you have tried your best...that the bad things happen for reasons that would lead you to a better life.

you see.....
trying, is the best thing here.

you could either be in any one of thess three:

you try and succeed.
you try and keep trying.
you try and failed.

as long as you have tried your best, you are going to be okay...

i guess?

:)

lovely as it is

lovely as it is
you are just standing still
looking at the view
wondering why the sky is so blue

lovely as it is
i am thinking of making a plea
for i cannot resist this kind of view
to stop my eyes from watching this beauty

lovely as it is
you just do not you are what i miss
your beauty is just so mesmerising
i need to stop myself from watching

lovely as it is
this view of you in it
is what i would want to keep forever
and i would hope for no changes

Question, question

It took me such a long time
To realize this feelings of mine
Just thinking of you can make me smile
So what if one day I had to lose what is mine?

You came along playing your part
Not knowing what game I am in
I play along with weird feelings in my heart
Having no clue what that is
I took my time to think deeply

Why is it that I feel happy just by thinking of you?

I asked myself repeatedly
Until question becomes a fact
A fact that I cannot ignore

So I asked my heart again
Is he the one you are beating for?

And it said yes

It took me long enough to admit this
Bit I am sure that you is what I have been searching for

Flaws

Flaws are all I could see in myself
Insecurities are my bestfriends
Pretty girls are my best enemies
But all I ever wanted is to just be me

Warm and cold at the same time
To me, you are like a precious dime
Hoping this feelings to be evergreen
Not a word can describe your magic on me

Gracefully accepting my flaws
Being with you make me feel like I am lost
Lost in our good memories together
Together we will make this better

Come to me at your worse
Out of all the rocks that being thrown at us
I am going to throw them back
And protect what should be protected

Our flaws and insecurities
They are not going to stop us
From being who we are
And loving ourselves at the same time
Because this is just who we are

Stranded

Sipping on the cold coffee
Feeling miserable like no one has ever felt
The cold rain does not make it better
Is it okay to feel this bitter

If I were stranded on an island
What should I bring together?
And if I were stranded on your heart?
Would you help me out?

Is it okay to feel this miserable?
When the sole reason is just
That I am falling in love?

Puling the blanket closer
As the rain is getting heavier
Thinking of what would happen tomorrow
As I am afraid of not taking this slow

All I ever wanted to do is to stay true
Or to just get this through
If you were in my shoe
Would you stay true or igore the truth?

If you were stranded on an island
Is it okay to bring me along?
And if you were stranded on my heart
Would you ask me to help you out?

complicated

I am too easy to see
But too far to reach out

I am too easy too handle
But without proper care I am fragile

Telling myself that I am ordinary
But deep down I feel like I am not
I am, indeed a complicated soul

A soul who is still searching for the light to follow
A soul who is still looking for a clue
A soul who is still trying to seek for help
To keep leading me to the path where I should be

Love is what keeping me alive
Love is what keeping me sane
Love is what keeping me true to myself
But love itself, is complicated

I get jealous when I should not
I try to be cool about everything when I am not
I get giddy when the other one not
Blaming myself for not making any sense

I am complicated
The rope in me is getting tangled day by day
Only love can untangle it
Love is complicated

But complicated things might be the easiest things to work on




ps : idk dont judge this is a 15 mins work hahaha but i'm gonna post it anyway

I cannot be an angel all the time so please lower your expectations towards me.

I have flaws.
I have my own insecurities.
I have my own expectations.
I have my own problems.
I get tired.
I get bored.
I get jealous,
I get mad at times.

sorry to disappoint but I am far from being an angel.

find you a friend

 Solitude you have to endure
Seemingly held with disclosure
A fellow left astray
As yet from yesterday

Flashing your dainty, charming smile

I can sense your happiness even from a mile

The sadness you have to overcome

Sometimes it can set you undone

Your angriness that stands to reason

Sometimes it disturbs other people’s patience

People make fun of your angriness

But you have never lost in madness

Your works are full of commitments

All of them should be ended with compliments

You gather all your people in your own ways

Courage and responsibility, it follows your days

When your days turn to grey

Take a second to breathe and stay

Stay calm and never worry

Stay with your friends who make you happy

Turn around and look behind you

Your friends will stick to you like glue

Your days may turn yellow and black

But they will never turn their back

Look at them as your good friends

Because friendship will never find its end